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As a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved many, largely pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership that lasted a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I begin to date a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with other men once more.

Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, frequently causing lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want a partner to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel a bit lost.

Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle various forms of intimate connections as fixed. What you need in your current state could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you might become more decisive and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter someone offering a life-changing chance to you by reflecting your desires completely … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in endless speculation is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and recognize the value of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.

• The psychotherapist is a American therapy professional focusing on treating intimacy issues.